


Safe Haven

by Hawkwitch



Series: BW1 [4]
Category: Yes Minister, Yes Prime Minister
Genre: Gen, Humor, Post-Canon, Speculation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-09
Updated: 2015-06-09
Packaged: 2018-04-03 16:28:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4107486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hawkwitch/pseuds/Hawkwitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Title: Safe Haven<br/>Characters: Bernard, Sir Humphrey, Sir Frank, Dorothy, Agnes<br/>Genre: Speculation<br/>Rating: PG<br/>Warnings: some bad language<br/>Summary: Post-canon, sequel to "Marshal's Baton". Times look turbulent, as pound sterling crashes through the basement floor, while The General Election is not that far away. And adding insult to injury - what is Mrs. Agnes Moorehouse doing in London?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Safe Haven

„Shhh... this is a MI-5 nest here. There are people specifically trying to listen to us. In fact they might have heard what you said.“

„I know. But I have gotten used to them already. Do not to overestimate them. They are not CIA after all...“

„Insult me or something to throw them off. Please!“

„Look, Bernard, there is one sordid rumour spreading over town like a nasty veneral disease.“ Sir Frank said in a loud voice. „About yet another Woolley-styled double-or-nothing: that you went behind The Prime Minister’s back and shagged his wife. Then you seduced Mrs. Weinwright and for a while you were doing them both without either of them finding out about the other.“ Sir Frank laughed to the point of tears.

„Shut up, Frank! How dare you! This is a complete lie!“ Bernard growled, flustered. He felt a bit dizzy. That was a bit more than he had bargained for. „You talk way too much... and you are just jealous!“

„Calm down, dimwit. I did not invent this and I do not believe this of course, it’s just a silly rumour I heard! Although a good one... or are you starting to develop an anger problem too?“

 

***

 

_First three weeks as the head of DAA felt like a vacation. I had sound-proof windows and latest anti-surveillance equipment installed. Just in case. On the fourth week certain events happened. My wife started buying up massive quantities of dollar, deutsche mark and swiss franc. She told me she knew what she was doing. That’s Bank of England jargon for „CRISIS! PANIC! DISASTER!“_

„The pound crashed? Near historic lows?“ John Smith, the Minister of Administrative Affairs said, flipping nervously through a newspaper.

„Yes, Minister.“ Bernard said.

„But this will make the government look bad! And The General Election is not that far away...“ The Minister said sourly.

„There is, of course, this hilarious headline „The Prime Minister got pounded“, which will no doubt greatly upset the poor fellow. But put this any way you like, this crisis cannot be pinned down on DAA. Other people will take the heat for it. DAA is like a safe haven in days like this. In fact, it’s like being long on hard currency, Minister.“ Bernard said.

 

_The Prime Minister got extremely squirmish and had a TV press conference. Which was a disaster. It was, naturally, completely devoid of content. Even by his standards. Pound crashed through the basement floor and then some more. Below historic lows. During the press conference._

 

***

 

_The timing to enter The Cabinet Office should be opportune enough. Sir Humphrey should be in a happy place right now because I have been informed that Sir Desmond Glazebrook as the Governor of BOE fulfilled the duties of a punching-bag whole morning._

 

„Sherry, my dear Bernard?“

„Thank you, Sir Humphrey.“

„How is your Minister doing?“ Sir Humphrey asked.

„Pisses on tile floor only... not on the carpet.“ Bernard said blankly. He was careful not to express any happiness over the cards dealt to him, because he knew too well how fickle good fortune was and that big winning streaks typically did not last for long.

„Very droll, Bernard! But I tell you, he is going to panic over the pound crisis... and piss all over himself... with any luck... all Cabinet Ministers are going to leak that they had nothing to do with the crisis and it’s the Prime Minister’s fault. This is their herd mentality.“

„Are you sure, Sir Humphrey?“ Bernard asked with a dumb look.

„Bernard, once you have already seen a million cretins, you can anticipate anything they might come up with. This is called expertise.“ Sir Humphrey said, clearly pleased with himself.

„I’m not sure I follow, Sir Humphrey...“

„Bernard. The Government popularity rating has plummetted in a positive correlation with the exchange rate, you can follow this, right? The General Election is not that far away. And of course, all Cabinet Ministers will be falling over each other to tell it’s no fault of theirs. But suddenly The Prime Minister is very cross with me!“ Sir Humphrey complained. „Without any sensible reason whatsoever!“

 

_Different day, same shit._

 

„It must be the fault of that blasted Weinwright female!“ Sir Humphrey said.

„Really? I heard in the grapevine it was a speculator attack. Originally.“

„What?“

„Then everybody and their brother were selling... err, I mean, never mind. By the way, Sir Humphrey, changing the subject completely, dare I ask, why is MI-5 following me around? I am surely not a security risk, or I wouldn’t be standing here right now.“

„Berrrnnnaaaaaarrrdddd! Your petty personal quarrels are no concern of mine. Speak to them yourself! It’s your own mistake, sort it out yourself!“ Sir Humphrey snapped annoyedly.

There was a light knock on the door and a secretary accounced: „Mrs. Agnes Moorehouse is here to see you, Sir Humphrey.“

„Show her in. Thank you, Bernard! Berrnnaarrrddd, why are you laughing?!?!?“

 

As he was about to exit, Bernard went through the secret door into No 10 and slipped a letter under Mrs. Weinwright’s door. Then he went back to DAA.

 

„Come quickly, Bernard! That stupid Sir Desmond is on telly!“ Lloyd Prichard said.

„I have seen his ugly mug already.“ Bernard frowned.

„He looks like he’s about to be forced to eat his own trousers. It’s a must-see!“

They watched the Governor of the Bank of England announce a massive interest-rate hike.

„By the way, Lloyd, without any intention of being indiscreet, I saw Mrs. Agnes Moorehouse in The Cabinet Office.“

„Mrs. Agnes Moorehouse!“ Lloyd was shocked. „You do not need to pull a paperbag over her head, if you know what I mean, but I still would not do her because she is...“

„Mrs. Agnes Moorehouse.“

„Precisely!“

 

***

 

„Can you affirm, that we are not being listened here?“ Sir Frank asked, stepping into Bernard’s office.

„Positive.“

„Ah refurbisment I see! Flash, posh and cringeworthily tasteless... very fitting for you indeed. Surely there must be booze in your office, Woolley?“

„On the table. Feel free to help yourself, Frank.“

Sir Frank gulped down a large shot of whiskey.

„You know the latest breaking news? This time Appleby rolled me over completely!“ Sir Frank angsted. „The Treasury recommendation to BOE was to NOT touch the interest rates. It was meant to be followed. But then Appleby called that stupid Sir Desmond into The Cabinet Office and told him it is either an IRH or WFA: Interest Rate Hike or White Fish Authority. What can I do against this kind of foul-play for cripes sake?“

„Embarrassing and most improper, I know, but admit it, Frank, this gamble sort of works. The pound has recovered slightly.“ Bernard said.

„I know. But weak pound would have been good for British exports and would have helped to reduce trade deficit. Weak pound is something we could have used as an advantage. Right now all investment has stalled with this kind of interest rates and blood is in the streets.“ Sir Frank moaned.

„Things must be very bad.“ Bernard stated.

„Geez, how did you figure that one out?“ Sir Frank snarked.

„I simply have noticed that most of those clever Treasury recommendations backfire most of the time.“ Bernard said.

 

***

 

„Seen today’s headlines? The No 10 propaganda machine makes The Prime Minister look like he has grown himself a pair. Jim saves the pound and that kind of gibberygoo.“ Lloyd said.

„This is great news. Reassures the public of inspirational leadership and all that jazz.“ Bernard said with a smirk. „What is our Minister doing right now?“

„Oh, he’s busy releasing press statements, trying to flatter The PM.“

„Excellent.“

 

***

 

„I found this hilarious letter, written in all capital letters... suggesting to run into each other on horse-racing track? Really... Sir Bernard, cannot you do any better than that?“ Mrs. Weinwright said sarcastically. Her husband was not very far away, so it did not look like anything suspicious that could fuel further rumours.

„I beg your pardon? This quote is not exact, I did not say „run into each other ON horse-racing track“ it would be a complete non-sense... and a virtual impossibility, as all competitors move into the same direction...“

„Huh?“

„But anyway, you did show up, didn’t you?“ Bernard said smugly. „And how is life in No 10 these turbulent days, without my burdensome presence?“

„Well, don’t ask me, I’m only a political advisor.“ Dorothy said. „And maybe not for long.“

„Crikey! But why, Dorothy?“

„We used to be friends, but these days Mrs. Hacker is making my life miserable. It actually makes me question – was there really something between you and her.“ Dorothy said suspiciously.

„No, no, no! Absolutely not!“ Bernard said.

„Why is she so upset then?“ Dorothy questioned in a no-bullshit manner.

„Maybe it is for some completely different reason, why she is cross with you... probably has nothing to do with us. Don’t worry about her too much.“ Bernard said blankly.

„Actually, I do not really care. But I too am tired of working in this madhouse. And coincidentally, BP has made me... an offer that cannot be refused.“

„Gosh... Dorothy dear... getting a real job? You?!?“ Bernard tried not to laugh.

„Very funny. Everybody lives twice. Your second life begins once you fully acknowledge that you are not immortal, Bernie.“

„Huh? Who said this?“ Bernard looked very puzzled, trying to think but coming up with blanks only. Mrs. Weinwright laughed.

 

***

 

„Do you know Mrs. Agnes Moorehouse?“ The Minister of Administrative Affairs asked.

„I have met her, but only briefly, Minister.“ Bernard said.

„She’s visiting London awfully lot these days. There’s a rumour she has grown ambitious and wants a ministerial job after the next General Election.“

„She might be very controversial a candidate, indeed, Minister.“ Bernard said.

„But this is impossible, right?“

„The word „impossible“ means unable to be done or to happen, not possible or very difficult. Or of a person: very difficult to deal with, very irritating or annoying. This word is known in English language from 14th century and originates from Latin _impossibilis_. This word should always be used with greatest possible caution, Minister.“

_Once you have already seen a million cretins..._


End file.
